PARAMOUNT PICTURES (2017)

 

Director: F. Javier Gutiérrez

 

Starring: Matilda Lutz, Alex Roe, Johnny Galecki, Vincent D’Onofrio, Aimee Teegarden, Bonnie Morgan

Dear Diary, today I watched Rings and I really wish I hadn’t. Is it possible to reclaim the lost hours of my life? No? Shit.

 

In an attempt to properly connect to its two previous instalments, Rings actually ends up playing like a movie stuck in the past. The acting is terrible, the dialogue is suitable for my baby daughter and the overall LOOK of the cast is simply early-2000’s horror – hardly a golden era for the genre. Everything is spelt out inexplicably for the audience to the point where it would be more fun to do the ironing whilst listening to the film and you’d still follow what was going on.

The opening scene shows a sweaty man on a plane bizarrely telling his fellow passenger that he watched a video and then received a phone call saying he was toast in a week – the flirt. It turns out that said fellow passengers best friend has ALSO seen the movie and they happen to be on the same flight at the same time and...ugh. Next we are treated to two horny teens, Julia (Lutz) and Holt (Roe), in bed actually discussing the legend of Orpheus in the most ridiculous case of obvious foreshadowing. He disappears in college and is found in some weird cult that exists to stave off the threat of Samara, our waterlogged well dwelling friend, all led by Leonard from Big Bang Theory (Galecki), Gabriel in this film. Holt has watched the movie, odd cult member Skye (Teegarden) has as well and decides to gatecrash a Skype call to say so, now Julia has to save them and the world from wet well girl.

 

There’s not much to say about the cast performances. They’re bad. Galecki and D’Onofrio do the best with what they have and are a level above the rest. As for the rest, well....erm...they’re very attractive guys and girls? That’s about it.

 

We are treated to a film smothered in green lighting. Everything is green and washed out (like my soul after viewing this) and in seriousness, this doesn’t help the movie – it’s not engaging enough to begin with but to then desaturate the palette actually makes the viewing experience worse.

 

Positives? Damn those end credits looked good. The one real Samara scene was nice to see, and looked great – beware of your flatscreen TV. It did serve to show Samara as a classic horror icon and it was the only redeeming point of this movie. The orchestral parts of the soundtrack were good, the rest was forgettable. That’s literally it, the rest of the film is packed with contrived rubbish – hey look, Julia has Braille burnt onto her, then suddenly a blind man turns up! Just after Gabriel notices pin holes on paper and deduces Braille! How does Samara have a phone log of all these loons who watch her video? Sigh.

 

There is literally nothing to enjoy here except gawking at people who look good. The story is dreadful, and manages to muddle up what came before, the acting woeful, the atmosphere is laughable. Why was this film greenlit? Why does it seem like they are going to make more? Why?

 

This film literally receives one mark for actually being made, and one for the Samara TV scene.

 

I wish she had come out of my TV and eaten my soul.

July 2nd 2017

© 2016 Matt Hudson / What I Watched Tonight / Essex

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