(UK RELEASE DATES)
2017 has come and gone – there’s been some supreme cinematic moments and some colossal stinkers too, but there was never a dull moment…OK, there were a few. That said, here are What I Watched Tonight’s WORST movies of the year, very much in order…
“It’s unfathomable to think how everyone involved, including the fantastic cast, got this so wrong. For a movie that's seemingly incomplete to receive a wide release is a strange, unacceptable travesty. Alfredson once directed a movie titled Four Shades of Brown – that pretty much sums up The Snowman.”
“All the worst bits were in the trailer, the even worse bits are in the movie. There’s no flair to make the silliness work, the narrative doesn’t work, the humour is off and everything just feels outdated. Dean [Devlin], it’s not the Nineties anymore. Move on.”
“There is literally nothing to enjoy here except gawking at people who look good. This film literally receives one mark for actually being made, and one for the Samara TV scene. I wish she had come out of my TV and eaten my soul.”
“The acting – Weisz aside – is below-standard, the writing is terrible, the twists lamentable and the lack of anything remotely entertaining is unforgivable. Please Rachel, poison me too.”
“Expecting much more from Prevenge, I had high hopes. I enjoy independent/low budget Brit flicks, but simply put - this is toilet. I became jealous of the corpses watching this.”
“Why Sony, why? The Emoji Movie literally is just ‘meh’.”
“It’s hard to find any real positives in Suburbicon. Around three-quarters of the way through, I had lost all interest in the movie and couldn’t wait for it to be over.”
“This isn’t the Transformers of old, and never has been, which is a huge shame, as it was infinitely better in the good old days.”
“A mix of poor FX, Sylvester McCoy, inconsistent focuses and an uninspired third act sink the movie without a trace and you’ll be clamouring to forget this movie. Yes, you’ll fall into a…slumber by the end.”
“Wearing his influences on his sleeve, Christopher B. Landon is unapologetically paying homage to much better films than Happy Death Day. It’s a horror for the E! Network crowd.”
“'Mercy was just a word. I never thought I needed it', Faye muses during the movie – I began pleading for mercy as the movie laboured on. Gorgeous to look at, dreary to watch.”
“Crafting a medieval action epic with Ritchie’s signature roughness could have sparked something decent, but unfortunately all involved just fell on their sword. Leave the legend in the past.”
“My hopes for the next movie in this world have been lowered but it’ll have to try very hard to be worse than this. This movie made me want to mummify myself and spend eternity in a lonely tomb.”
“I love 80’s horror movies, possibly the heyday of the genre, however, this is just bad. It could’ve been so much better but alas, we are left with this – slightly decent, mostly dross. A-void.”
“This movie fails where Alien succeeds, where Apollo 13 succeeds and where Gravity succeeds – i.e., action, gravitas and development. When the movie is centred on these, it needs to hit and Life doesn’t. It could have been much better, but unfortunately it isn’t.”
“There isn’t enough here to promote the franchise stumbling on – even if Cult of Chucky now feverishly demands a follow-up. Put the doll back in the box.”
“A messy, throwaway affair that drops the ball when it comes to comedy’s key element – humour. Even with the talent on show, The House crashes and burns.”
“After all the tinkering and rehashing of the story over time, the movie ends up being confused, muddled and lacking soul. The Tower will fall. As will your eyelids.”
“An overly-familiar romp through standard action movie tropes, complete with pure testosterone brimming from the screen. American assassination on my eyes.”
“Far more negative than positive, Death Note is a frustrating case of ‘what if?’ – and all we’re left with is disappointment.”
…and honourable mentions to…
Well, thanks 2017 for some truly naff movies, and here’s to maybe a few more clangers in 2018…